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Monday, September 16, 2013

Maniacal Mascots

It all started out when I got wind of the existence of a William Wiley Elementary School in the state of Washington. Naturally I had to Google it and go to their web page. When I told Other Bill about it, he naturally and unsurprisingly went immediately to the cafeteria menu page. I, however was intrigued to find out that William R. Wiley Elementary is home to the Wiley Coyotes. Since when do elementary schools have sports teams that compete?

This led to a Facebook post that stirred up a comment from my friend Mary who knew of someone whose high school mascot was a canary. My natural sense of curiosity made me seek out other lame school mascots. Bear in mind the following are all real, honest-to-God school mascots that actually exist. The best list I found at this website: Worse Than Canaries. And here is a cut and paste from there.

Montgomery, Alabama: Sidney Lanier HS - Poets
Los Olivos, California: Dunn HS - Earwigs
Yuba City, California - Honkers
Fort Collins, Colorado - Lambkins
Avon, Connecticut: Avon Old Farms - Winged Beavers
Tarpon Springs, Florida - Spongers
Centralia, Illinios - Orphans/ Orphan Annies
Cobden, Illinois - Appleknockers
Fisher, Illinois - Bunnies
Freeburg, Illinois - Midgets
New Berlin, Illinois - Pretzels
Frankfort, Indiana - Hot Dogs
Vincennes, Indiana: Lincoln - Alices
Watersmeet, Michigan - Nimrods
Chinook, Montana - Sugar Beeters
Fairbury, Nebraska - Jeffs
Johnstown, Ohio: Johnstown-Monroe - Johnnies
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania: St. Hubert - Bambies
Houston, Texas: Morris Academy - Praying Hands
San Antonio, Texas: Central Catholic - Buttons
Poca, West Virginia - Dots

Another favorite website: Grosser than Canaries
The #2 team from the Rhode Island School of Design has a hockey team called the Nads (as in "Go, Nads!"), and they have a guy who dresses up in a penis costume (I have done the same for Halloween. Twice.) with a very droopy scrotum. He is known affectionately as Scrotie (see above photo).

Others I’ve found or have had given to me:

Scottsdale, AZ Community College - Artichokes.
University of California, Santa Cruz - Banana Slugs
Arkansas School for the Deaf - Leopards
Williamsport, Pennsylvania - Millionaires
And what started it all: William Allen High School - Allentown Pa, Canaries

In an effort to support these teams, I have written cheers for a few of them. As anyone in my high school will tell you I have always been a huge supporter of high school sports, cheerleaders, and the whole romantic notion of the captain of the football team dating the head cheerleader, thus guaranteeing them the position of king and queen of the prom. So here we go.

Montgomery, Alabama: Sidney Lanier High Poets:
Whitman, cummings, Angelou, Poe,
We’re the mighty Poets, GO!
Browning, Kipling, Keats and Plath
We will beat this team by half!
Byron, Tennyson, Sappho, Twain
Our school mascot, what a pain!

Centralia, Illinois Orphans:
Got no Mom to bring us down
We are from Centralia town.
Not once turned over our dad’s knee,
We’re as tough as we can be.
Got no cousins, uncles, aunts,
In our house, we wear the pants.
Mess with us, you’ll get what’s due
Cuz we got no one to report to!
Goooooo Orphans!

Arkansas School for the Deaf Leopards:

Poca, West Virginia Dots:
Colons, periods, ellipsis, not!
We’re the mighty Poca Dots.
We’re not rich like those from Boca.
We’re just simple folk from Poca.
We’re not stains, and we’re not spots
We’re tough as nails; we’re Poca Dots!

Scottsdale, Arizona Community College Artichokes:
Try like hell to get us clean
You will fail cuz we are keen
Boil us, make us tender leafs
You’ll still get sand between your teefs.
Try so hard to rip us apart
But you just can’t, cuz we’ve got heart.
Gooooooooo Chokes!

Williamsport, PA, Millionaires:
Williamsport, Williamsport, tried and true.
Beat us never; our blood is blue.
Manners perfect with rudeness nil,
Don’t you dare to call us Bill.
We will win, cuz we’ve got money.
We’ll pay your QB to drop the ball, honey!

William Allen High School, Allentown, PA, Canaries:
William Allen, you’re our hero
But our GPA is zero
Our idle brainwave seldom varies      
Cuz we named our mascot the Fighting Canaries.
Yes, Allen High School, we’re all that.
I taught I taw a Puddy Tat!

Frankfort, Indiana Hot Dogs:
We’re Hot Dogs; don’t call us weenies
Cuz we’re not nerds, we don’t wear beanies.
Frankfort, Frankfort, we are first
Don’t you ever call us wurst.
We know how to take a compliment
And we go well with any condiment.
We’re here forever; we’ve got it made
Cuz we will never biodegrade.
Goooooooooo Dogs!

New Berlin, Illinois Pretzels:
We may be twisted but we’re all right
We’re the Pretzels, fight, fight fight!
We’re built hard, not soft like custard
And we taste great with a side of mustard.
We’re determined and never get flustered.
If you like us unsalted, you’re maladjustered.

Tarpon Springs Spongers:
We’re the Spongers, we wipe your dishes
But on the field, we’re quite malicious.
We sure can kick and know how to block
And we can aptly clean your clock.
We live with our parents at home forever
Ask if they like it and they’ll say never.
We never get jobs cuz that’s our mission.
Cuz we’re the spongers with no ambition.

(photo credit:

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