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Saturday, September 14, 2013

How Not To Kill Your Husband

Just eight days after her wedding, Jordan Linn Graham was having second thoughts about being married.

To resolve these feelings, she pushed her husband off a cliff in Glacier National Park in Montana on July 7. Allegedly.

I don’t know about you, but if I’d attended that wedding, I’d sure want my blender back that I gave the semi-happy couple. It was probably still in the box, and I would have my receipt from the Missoula Walmart, so I could get my $20.88 plus tax back.

On July 8, Cody Johnson, the victim, was reported missing when he failed to show for work, according to the Associated Press.

When questioned on July 9, Jordan told investigators that her husband had sent her a text, saying he was going for a drive with a friend, and that’s the last she’d heard from him.

Two days later, she told a park ranger she had found the body.

Okay, look, this is Montana, the fourth largest state, but it takes position 48 in population density. I did the math. According to the 2000 census, there are 6.2 people per square mile of the state. By comparison, New York City’s population density is 26,000 people per square mile. Glacier National Park encompasses over one million acres, after all. That’s 1,562 square miles.  That’s about 1.3 Rhode Islands.

Finding his body in a million acre national park known for its cliffs and rugged terrain is more than a needle in a haystack. It’s a split-end pubic hair in a waste treatment plant of a major metropolitan area.

“The park ranger commented that it was unusual that she found it,” according to the AP. Ya think? Also in the report: “…his body was found in an area of the park so steep and rugged that a helicopter had to be used in the recovery.”

In other words, if Mensa member Jordan Linn Graham had just kept her mouth shut, she would probably be a free widow today. And she’d be making glacial smoothies for herself with my blender.

In my head, here’s what I picture. She leads law enforcement officers to the edge of a cliff and hands the investigator a pair of binoculars.

“See that spot down there, the tiny speck that looks like a flattened Wile E. Coyote? That’s my husband.”

She later admitted pushing him over, and after a two month FBI investigation, she was finally arraigned in federal court on second degree murder charges.

According to a local newspaper, online at, a family friend was quoted as saying that Genius Jordan was going around telling people that she “never wanted to be married, she just wanted to have a wedding.”

If that’s true, that Jordan was just in it for the gifts and ceremony, then I want two blenders from her. Make that a blender and a quesadilla maker.

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Push Me!                    

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