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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Summer Reading List


Warm weather is on the way, so it’s not too soon to pick out some summer reading. Here is just a small offering of some classics you can pick up at your nearest book store or public library.

Nun Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, by Ken Kesey

The wacky adventures of naïve, clumsy Sister Bertrille and her arch nemesis, Mother Superior Ratched at the Asylum San Tanco in Puerto Rico.

The Strange Case of Heckle, Jeckle, and Mr. Hyde, by Robert Louis Stevenson

The frightening tale of a man with three personalities, two of which are hilarious magpies.

Mopey Dick, by Herman Melville.

After having his leg bitten off by a whale, Captain Ahab is further inconvenienced with erectile dysfunction.

The Diarrhea of Anne Frank, by Anne Frank

An adolescent girl is seized by Nazis after her family locks her out of a crowded secret annex because they can no longer endure the smell.

The Old Man and the Cialis, by Ernest Hemingway

After dry-docking his boat, an aging fisherman starves to death while pursuing long-forgotten pleasures of the flesh.

Olive or Twist, by Charles Dickens

Following many trials and hardships, an orphan boy is adopted by bartenders who support his quest for making the perfect martini.

Lord of the Fries, by William Golding

Rampant anarchy occurs when plane crash survivors wash ashore on an abandoned potato farm.

Tess of the Hootervilles, by Thomas Hardy

Before she married Oliver, Tess had been brutally raped. When Oliver finds out, he abandons her. Tess then takes up with Mr. Haney, later killing him after Oliver runs back to her. She is arrested for murder, and Oliver divorces her and marries her diva sister, who has a penchant for slapping police officers.

The Call of the Piled, by Jack London

The classic story of hemorrhoid-suffering men and dogs in the brutal Arctic.

Dorothy and the Wizard of Osbournes, by L. Frank Baum

An adolescent Kansas girl finds herself transported to a land of drug addicts, bad haircuts, foul language, and odd little people who bite the heads off bats. Or is it all just a bad dream?

The World According to Harpo, by John Irving

A mute comic teams up with a rape victim whose tongue was cut out by her assailant. Together they form the Ellen James Society, a silent victim support group whose members communicate only by whistling, honking bull horns, playing the harp and forcing people standing near them to hold up their legs.

Gone with the Windex, by Margaret Mitchell

A conniving, headstrong Southern woman discovers that a blue cleaner with Ammonia D works best for tidying up her Civil War-torn Georgia mansion. “As God is my witness,” Scarlett declares, “I shall never see streaks again.”

Valley of the Halls, by Jacqueline Susann

Bitchiness, back-stabbing, and hair pulling among privileged women addicted to throat lozenges supercharged with soothing, vapor-action Mentholyptus.

Enema Farm, by George Orwell

A satirical allegory about animals living under the fascist rule of ruthless colonic technicians.

Friedhead Revisited, by Evelyn Waugh

Catholic pretty-boy Sebastian Flyte meets up with Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson in this hair-burning tale of an aristocrat’s descent into the seedy world of speedballing and Pepsi commercials. Warning: adult themes.

The Lord of the Onion Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien

The tale of hairy-footed, fast-food employees depicted in an epic trilogy of good vs. evil and crinkle-cut potatoes vs. battered and fried slices of the mysterious Vidalia bulb.

Sophie Tucker’s Choice, by William Styron

A chubby, boisterous Vaudeville singer-actress delivers wisecracking jokes and bawdy songs about the kooky decisions she made during her time in a concentration camp.

The Satanic Nurses, by Salman Rushdie

After insulting an entire religion, a writer is hunted down by a pack of bounty-hunting, burka-wearing health care workers who accessorize with starched caps and white stockings.

The Count of Monte Crisco, by Alexander Dumas

After being falsely imprisoned, Edmond Dants flees to a remote island and discovers an all-vegetable product that is both a sphincter lubricant and a perfect pie crust ingredient.

The Grapes of Laugh, by John Steinbeck

The side-splitting account of a Depression-era farming family who flees Oklahoma and tries to make it as a sketch comedy troupe in California.

Jenn-Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte

A strong-willed orphan goes to work as a ward governess and learns to operate complicated, top-of-the-line kitchen appliances.

East of Barbara Eden, by John Steinbeck

Cal and Aron Trask compete for the love of a wish-granting woman in harem pants who lives in an ill-decorated, round home in WWI-era Cocoa Beach.

Peyote Place, by Grace Metalious

Unwed mothers, raped stepchildren, Ryan O’Neal and Mia Farrow come to blows in this small New England town around the time of Pearl Harbor. Or were they all just hallucinating?

Auntie Mime, by Patrick Dennis

A mute but witty, extroverted socialite with a flamboyant circle of friends becomes the guardian of her nephew. Over the years, she teaches him to walk against imaginary wind and feel his way around an invisible box.

The Dental Bridges of Madison County, by Robert James Waller

Francesca Johnson’s life is forever changed one summer in 1965 when a National Geographic photographer shows up at her door and asks if she knows of a good endodontist.

Brokeback at Tiffany’s, by Truman Capote

An A-list cosmopolitan gay couple is discovered to be a fraud when their former border collie identifies them as Wyoming cowboys.

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