Search This Blog

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Funny Business


Because I have an inadequate social life and limited free entertainment resources, I have to amuse myself by spending weekends in the hammock, reading back issues of the Yellow Pages, searching for silly business names. With just a couple exceptions, these findings are from the 04-05 edition of my south Florida phonebook.

Not far from where I live is a business called the Elizabeth Taylor Fence Company. Okay, now think for a moment. What comes to mind? If you didn’t conjure up Liz wearing some shimmering Cleopatra outfit, digging post holes, then you are just not gay enough. Go back to the University of Homosexual and retake Diva 101.

Just down the road from Liz is a business called Transmission Queen. Do you visualize a cross-dresser rolling out from under an SUV on a creeper, her homemade dress stained with motor oil and her wig slightly askew? Thought so.

Ft. Lauderdale is proud to host Myrna Loy Bail Bonds. Yeah, that’s who I want pulling me out of jail: a cast member of Airport 1975. Quick, Myrna, spring me before you get sucked out the window.

What comes to mind when I say Dolphin Gas? A swimming mammal who just ate Mexican food? Or perhaps, a football team who did the same thing?

Beauty salons always make terrible puns in their business names. Shear Madness. Curl Up and Dye. Scissor Me Timbers. Locally, I found three that sound like fun. First and foremost, in Dania Beach, there’s Hairballs in the Attic. Yeah, make my hair look like something the cat threw up. That’ll get me a second date. Next, there’s My Way Beauty Salon. If you really wanted to attract customers, wouldn’t you call it Your Way instead? Don’t come here with a picture of how you want me to do your hair. I’m doing it My Way. Finally, brave people on a budget can go to the Penny Beauty Salon in Hallandale. Home of the weedeater cut. No, no. I’m sure they do a great job.

Speaking of copper coins, my town also has a listing for Penny Escorts, Inc. If it’s true that you get what you pay for, then I wouldn’t set my expectations too high. Their Yellow Pages ad reads: VIP & DRUG FREE. I think that it goes without saying that if they work for a penny, there aren’t going to be VIP’s on either the client or server end. Nice touch that they don’t do drugs, though. I guess on that salary, it would take decades to save enough to buy a bag of weed. Their weird ad also reads: ESCORTS & ESCORTS. I guess this means your one cent companion will arrive in a small Ford.

What do you think of when you hear “Doggie Doo?” If you’re like me, you usually only hear those two words following the phrase, “I stepped in.” So when I saw the ad for All Doggie Doo’s Grooming in Hallandale, I really had to think a minute before I realized what they were actually pulling their combs through.

My grandfather’s funeral and burial were planned by the Crisp Funeral Home in Winter Haven. Granted, that would be a better name for a crematorium. I always thought a great name for a pet crematorium would be Crispy Critters. For a traditional burial, you might want the Stiff Funeral Home in Appomattox, Virginia. The Greaver funeral home near my office was recently bought out by a big conglomerate. Makes me kinda mournful.

We always like the ironic business names. A friend of mine in Virginia intentionally avoided selecting as her gynecologist Dr. Harry Beaver, OB/GYN. Google him if you don’t believe me. There is a local pediatrician named Dr. Harry Pepe, and you know his juvenile clients refer to him as Dr. Hairy Pee-Pee behind his back. So does my partner, who laughs at the sign every time he drives by it. And you wouldn’t think a dentist named Dr. Robert Payne in Naples would have anything other than a masochistic clientele, but apparently he’s making a good living.

When you’re budgeting for the safety of your home, fire protection is probably not where you want to skimp to save a few bucks. So what does Economy Fire Protection Inc. sell you? Silent smoke detectors? Some things you just don’t economize on. For example, I would tend to avoid Dr. Seegood’s Drive-Through LASIK Surgery and Video Rentals. Oh all right, that one I made up.

There’s Have A Heart Caregivers, specializing in relocating family members to nursing homes. Now there’s a task I’m going to suggest to Mike Rowe of the Discovery Channel’s Dirty Jobs.

Hi Mom, sorry about your stroke, but while I’m off sipping Ouzo martinis in Mykonos, I’m sending over some strangers to pack you up and take you to Late Autumn Living. They’re called Have a Heart. Why did I pick them? Because I don’t.

There’s Mrs. Clean Commercial Cleaning, serving Broward and Miami-Dade. And all along, I thought Mr. Clean was gay. Just goes to show you that a shaved head and a buff body are not a guarantee.

Not too far from me is Mr. Ed’s Sportswear. Where else can you get a polo shirt made by a Palomino? I suspect their embroidered logo is of a man being ridden by a horse, of course, of course.

Groovy Movers Baby, a moving company, has an ad in the Yellow Pages with “hippies” written all over it. Their logo is designed with a psychedelic font with flowers in the O’s. Their slogan: “We put the GRRR in Moving.” Hey fellas, if you put down that big heavy box of hallucinogens and return to planet earth you’ll recognize that the GRRR is in “Groovy” not in “Moving.” I think next time, I’ll stick with Nice Jewish Boy movers.

There’s a business in Miramar called Baby Rentals, and I’ve written a little radio spot for them. I’m picturing Julia Roberts doing the voiceover, and so should you.

We thought we’d like to have children, but we’re just not sure we wanted to make a lifetime commitment. That’s why Baby Rentals was right for us. Neither of us had any parenting skills, and we worried that our kids would grow up to be the Menendez brothers. So recently, we rented a son from Baby Rentals instead of breeding one of our own. Now, if the boy turns out like Rosemary’s Baby, we can opt for early lease termination and trade him in on a younger, non-satanic model. Plus, we have our hearts set on early retirement, so with Baby Rentals, we’ll send him back when he becomes an annoying, rebellious adolescent. Baby Rentals works with you to customize your lease to fit your lifestyle. For instance, by choosing the Pre-Adolescent Female package, you’ll never have to pay a for a child’s abortion or wedding. Baby Rentals. When owning is too much to take on.

Finally, I don’t know about you, but when I go to get my hemorrhoids repaired, I’m going to see Dr. Steven Magilen in Aventura, just because his phone number is 800-226-TUSH. It’s important to me that my proctologist have a sense of humor. I guess 277-4653 was already taken. Now off you go now to your touchtone to decode that.

No comments:

Post a Comment