Rest in Peace, Other Bill

 

The worst thing has come to pass. Other Bill’s Ocular melanoma went metastatic on New Year’s Eve of 2023.  Or at least that’s when we found out it had spread.We could have/should have been more diligent with his scans. Not that it would have mattered that much. Once that travels through your blood into your liver, and you cannot tolerate immunotherapy, it’s pretty much curtains in a year or less.

His curtains went down September 16, 2024, the worst day of my life. I’ll never forget his body being hauled out on a sheet of plastic by a very strong man. Even as I approach the anniversary of his departure I can’t get that picture out of my head.

Needless to say, 2024 was an entire suckfest. He went from walking to crutches to a walker and finally to a wheelchair. He couldn’t eat because the fluid in his liver compressed against his stomach, making him lose his appetite. I had to give away our wonderful king bed so I could fit in his hospital bed and a twin bed for me when hospice came into the picture. I had to help him sit up and pee in a urinal several times a night and keep him comfortable with strong opiates. It was a lot of work pushing him from room to room. He slept most of the time because of the drugs, so the last conversations we had were few and far between.

I know I’m not the only gay man to lose his partner after 32 blissful years together, and now I have to figure out how to be a single man again. It isn’t easy, and it gets expensive.

The first thing I bought was a pair of back scratchers. Bill would always be there to scratch and hit the right spot, but no Bill, no itch relief.

One morning I was startled out of bed at 4 am (nothing new for a newly widowed person’s new sleep habits). I thought what would I do if the battery to my car was dead? We had sold Bill’s car after he retired, and jumper cables needed another car, so they were useless. So what would I do if that happened? Remove the battery, Uber it to a car parts store, Uber back and reinstall the new battery? I was awake until I got out of bed at 6 and saw they have these rechargeable jumpers will work as good as jumper cables, provided you keep them charged. Which I know I won’t.

Two weeks later a similar situation woke me up at 2 am regarding flat tires. My car didn’t come with a jack or a spare tire. It came with a can of Fix-a-Flat, which never does, so I ordered a battery operated tire inflator. We’ll see how far these contraptions get me. I’m coming up on owning the car for 4 years, so if I were smart, I’d buy a set of new tires and a new battery and be done with it. But frankly, I’m too cheap.

If I can get 2 more years on the tires and another year on the battery, that’ll save me some money. But in another 4 years I’ll probably give in and swap out the car while there is still tread on the tires and ample juice in the battery. I may be too old by then to drive anyway.

You’d think if they have the technology that tells you when you need air in your tires, they could also tell you when you need tread on your tires. Ditto with a battery swap out time. Maybe they do on some cars, the ones I can’t afford or want.

All I’m saying is when you’re widowed and an introvert, you have to take care of yourself  without having to burden other friends (if you have them). It’s scary to go from someone you can always depend on to no one you can depend on.

Eating is another thing that doesn’t have its shit together when it comes to eating alone. Since Bill died, I am never hungry. I’ve resorted to skipping breakfast, which I always did, and I suck down a 520 calorie protein shake for lunch.

There is nothing worse than cooking for one. You always end up throwing half of it out, because it goes bad before you can finish eating the same thing 6 days in a row, which also eases your guilt when you throw out the stinky leftovers.

I just hated turning off Other Bill’s phone, and for good reasons. First, his phone number in letters was DOGG-DICK. So whenever someone would ask him for his number, he’ say, “dog dick, two g’s”). Also it was nice to have a second phone to call my phone when my phone disappeared. And it disappears a LOT. It happened today. I got home and realized my phone was not in my pants. I searched the house quickly before hopping in my car to see if I’d left my phone there. When I was half way there, my phone rang, and I found it on the phone on the floor. 

So there are a lot of new things I have to learn, and it will probably involve burner phones. In fact, let me check Amazon now for one or two of those.