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Wednesday, July 22, 2015

How to Die and Make the News

Recently a five-year-old girl was killed when a large sturgeon jumped out of the Suwanee River and landed on top of her in the boat she was riding in. Tragic, indeed, to die so young and in such a bizarre way.

But frankly, I think sudden, unexpected, and quick death is the best way to go. Everyone wants to die in their sleep, but too often that is preceded by prolonged pain and suffering. Although sudden death is probably the worst case scenario for the friends and families of the victim, I’d sure choose it over, say, months or years of chemo, throwing up, wasting away, enduring pain, shitting myself and prolonged anguish every day. Here are some choice methods for quick deaths that have taken place, so keep these in mind should you be diagnosed with cancer of a major organ. I’m not suggesting you take a dive into a wood chipper, mind you. There are other ways.

Spring Forward, Fall Back. Three Palestinian suicide bombers died an hour before their planned demise and took no other victims, because the bombs had been set to go off by someone else on daylight savings time, and the bombers already switched their watches to standard time.

Isadora Duncan Wannabe/Safety Line Death. In Seattle, Jackson Roos was riding a zip line in his back yard when the safety line caught on his helmet and choked him to death.

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go. A man who couldn’t hold it any longer and went between subway cars in New York City to take a dump and died after falling onto the tracks and was crushed by speeding subway cars.

Isadora Duncan Wannabe II and III. A burka-wearing Muslim woman in Sydney was strangled when her scarf wrapped around the axle of the go-kart she was speeding around in and strangled her. In Turkey, another was beheaded doing the same thing.

Unsafe Sex. A man in the Ukraine had both legs severed, and his girlfriend was killed after being run over by a train while having sex on the tracks.

Where’s the Beef? In Brazil, a man sleeping next to his wife died of internal injuries after a 3,000 pound cow fell through his corrugated roof. The wife and cow were unharmed.

Leave it to Beaver. Attempting to take a selfie with a beaver, a Belarus man was killed when the beaver bit him, severing an artery in his leg.

I Did it for the Snake. In order to win a pet ball python, a 32-year-old Florida (where else?) man died after winning a cockroach-eating contest in 2012.

Wile E. Coyote Wannabe. A woman in England survived a 100-foot fall after a flock of sheep charged her and the motorcycle she was riding. The woman survived the fall but was struck and killed by the bike. She then held up a sign that read, “Ouch!”

Death by Pharrell Williams. 32-year-old, overjoyed non-seatbelt-wearing, car-selfie posting Courtney Sanford, not paying attention to her driving, wrote on Facebook from her car, “The happy song makes me so HAPPY!” seconds before plowing head-on into a recycling truck.

Going Up, Doctor? A physician, after boarding an elevator at a Texas hospital, was decapitated when his head got caught between elevator doors, and the car of the elevator ascended. Third floor: fabrics, notions, kitchenware, and torsos.

Is it True Blondes Have More Fun? While driving in England, a hairdresser was incinerated after hair bleach chemicals leaked out, forming a flammable gas. The woman then lit a cigarette.

Wile E. Coyote Wannabe II. James Heselden, the owner of the Segway Company, died after driving a Segway off a cliff in Yorkshire, England.

Bazooka Joe. A Ukrainian student had his face blown off after dipping a piece of gum into an explosive compound.

Death by Office Supply. You know those pneumatic lifts that raise and lower your desk chair at work? Once one exploded and sent metal chunks deep into the rectum of its Chinese victim, who bled to death. Sit down, make yourself comfortable.

What Kind of Proof? While testing a bullet-proof vest, a Denver man died after being stabbed through the vest into the heart by his uncle.

Look Out for that Windmill, Too.  A child was electrocuted while trying to retrieve golf pall at a miniature golf park from a small pond. An electric pump had malfunctioned.

There Once Was a Dog With a Bone.  A Limerick, Ireland woman died from an allergic reaction to the semen of a dog she just had sex with. It’s always nice when someone dies doing something they love.

Shit Happens. While attempting to repair a septic tank he’d entered, a Russian man drowned after inhaling its toxic fumes. Not to be outdone, his wife also fainted after inhaling the toxic gas, fell in and drowned. I hope the mortician charged extra.

On the Upside, He Stayed Fresh for Days Afterward. A 50 year old man from Surrey England, perished from autoerotic asphyxiation after wrapping himself in three rolls of plastic wrap.

Lucky Strike. A North Carolina man set himself on fire after accidentally drinking gasoline from a jar and then lighting a cigarette.

Where’s My Tip? A 67-year-old Texas man died of cardiac arrest while receiving a lap dance at a strip club.

Third Time’s a Charm. In 1995 after failing to kill himself with a shotgun blast first to the chest and then to the neck, an Austrailian man finally succeeded by aiming closer to his heart. What a trooper.

Wedgie from Hell. A 33-year-old man pulled the back of his stepfather’s underpants over his head. The elastic was so tight against his throat that he died of asphyxiation.

Death by Method Acting. Lee Halpin, a 27-year old documentary filmmaker on homelessness died of hypothermia while immersing himself in the lifestyle of his subjects in Newcastle, England.

Chicken Soup for the Soul. In 2012, a nursing home patient in Rio was killed when a nursing technician accidently hooked up her feeding tube to her IV. Her veins were then filled with soup. Must have been tough getting that matzo ball into those arteries.

Worse than Sturgeon. In Bolivia a drunken teenager committed suicide by jumping out of his canoe into a known piranha-infested river.

Worse than Piranha. And of course there was the case of 28-year-old Texan Tommie Woodward, who, ignoring the pleas of knowing people and a “No Swimming—Alligators!” sign, declared, “Fuck that alligator,” took a dive off a dock and was dragged down and ripped apart by the eleven-foot gator who was quietly hiding under the dock, waiting for him.

So after considering things a bit, maybe a little long-term suffering wouldn’t be such a bad thing. A little Demerol or morphine could make things a lot more tolerable. I’d like to go out the way dogs die when you put them down. One shot to make you unconscious, followed by an injection to stop the heart. Simple. Painless. And no underwear band to pry off from around your neck.

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