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Sunday, August 10, 2014

Famous Bushes

According to Snopes, the world’s largest pubic hair is 32 inches from the armpit and 28 inches from a vagina.

Neither belonged to Crystal Gayle.

Nor 1960’s Cher.

I think someone needs to rewrite Rapunzel.

Tell your friends, folks. I’m here all week.

Apparently this megabush is attached to the body of a South African woman named Manoi Vi. I don’t know if this is how she makes her living, but apparently she isn’t afraid to memorialize it in photographs. If you Google her, there it is, hanging down from her ladyparts like Spanish moss in a bayou bog.

What you don’t see  is a picture of her in her underpants. How does she pack all that in, underneath, say, a thong? Dredlocks, worn belted, maybe? When you stuff that much mass in a piece of fabric, what does that look like? A well-stuffed throw pillow? A hot air balloon?

Do they not have scissors in Cape Town? Why would anyone want to be running around with two Afghan hounds under their arms and Cousin It dragging on the floor between their legs? Honey, get that osprey nest under control! Here, try this Brylcreem.

According to Scientific American, evolutionary biologists believe one reason we have hair is for insulation; in other words, for retaining heat. So I guess Ms. Vi has given up her Hotpoint electric range, since she could easily bake a nice pan of lasagne right in her lap.

Pubic hair is supposed to reach a certain length and then fall out as it gets replaced by new hair. Hair in the scalp, however, can live for years without falling out. So apparently Manoi has four scalps: head, armpits, and, well, you know: down there. Good thing she was never in an early Western movie. Once the Native Americans finished scalping her, there’d be nothing left but a belly button.

I suppose that in the long run, it’s good that she isn’t male, because guys sometimes have strangulation issues. Hair can sometimes snake its way around a penis, making things a little awkward in our pants. Sometimes the hair can get pulled like two girls in a cat fight. One of the reasons that men get the sudden urge to adjust ourselves is because Helen Lawson and Neely O’Hara are having a little altercation in our crotches, and we need to manually separate them. Go to your corner, Neely, and you, Helen, go out the same way you came in.

You may be wondering why this topic is appearing in this blog. Recently I noticed what seemed to be an increase in the recurrence of my favorite Valley of the Dolls scene in my pants. So I went to Google to see if pubes get longer with age. To my disappointment, there wasn’t even an unreliable source to tell me that they do. Ergo, I have to assume than instead of the hair growing longer, something else is getting smaller. You know how men who gain weight jokingly say their pants are shrinking? Yeah, something like that, only true. Or maybe this new underwear I bought has teeth.

So I guess a little trim would make things a little less restless down there.

And I think a little landscaping would also make Manoi Vi a little less infamous.

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your mowers.

(photo credit:
Creative Commons License by Bill Wiley is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

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