Posts
Because I am a male who has never really grown up, I take
note of any news about anything that is excreted from the human body and take
particular interest in anything scatological.
Today’s topic: Fecal Transplants.
According to the Boston Globe,
quoting the New England Journal of
Medicine, there are people whose bowels get infected with
antibiotic-resistant bacteria called C. diff. This results in diarrhea of
explosive proportions that can make them Pamper dependent. They cramp; they
writhe in pain; they spend their lives on or near a toilet. I have known people
who have suffered from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and without mentioning his
name, Other Bill truly thought he was on death’s door. Eating made everything
worse. He lost weight. You’d go out to brunch and he would eat nothing or dry,
unbuttered toast. After months and months of suffering, he was lucky enough to
find a medication that repealed the runs, renewed his life and brought his
weight up to where it has never been before.
Diarrhea, in whatever form it comes, is no laughing matter
and is a serious issue. So some potty-obsessed
doctor dining in an elegant Boston country club must have said to his fellow
diners, all proctologic researchers: “What if we take some shit from a healthy
person and transplant it into the guts people with C. diff?” This caused the
rest of the dining party to quickly grab their linen napkins, cover their
mouths and run toward the staffed bathrooms.
But wait, it gets worse. Here’s how an actual fecal
transplant works: The Potty Doc takes poop from a healthy person and shoots it
down through a tube that is inserted into the nose of the recipient, fed down
through the stomach and into the small intestine. You’d want your doctor to
make sure that there were no pinhole leaks in that tube, lest some of the
healing elixir make a visit to your taste buds.
Imagine walking out of the outpatient clinic and running
into someone you know.
Hi, Bill, how are you, what’s new?
Hey, Fred, I just had a bag of shit shoved up my snoot, and I feel
better than
I have in years! A new lease on life!
The interesting thing about this medieval procedure is that
in this particular study, it actually worked in 13 out of 16 cases. I assume the
failed 3 were given placebos of Jell-o instant chocolate pudding. I also think
it’s safe to assume these lucky 13 guys don’t date much. (A handshake instead of a kiss! Could it be…my transplant?)
You can’t argue with success. But I have one question: Is
there an aftertaste, perhaps in a burp?
I would love to have read the grant proposal for this
project. We are seeking gazillions of
dollars to transplant healthy fecal matter intra-nasally into sixteen (16) adult
volunteers who live their lives in diapers and elastic waist pants.
Who knew that excrement had a value, a need, a purpose and was
not just to be flushed and chemically destroyed? My septic tank is now my own
private Fort Knox. A flush is now a deposit.
Whenever we go to our local cinema to see a movie, there is
a bloodmobile sitting out front that will give you free movie tickets if you
donate a pint of blood. When you come out from the movie, circus barkers try to
hook you with their canes and drag you into the bus. Because we are
“men who have sex with men”, or MSM, as we are pigeonholed, we are, according
to the Red Cross and Uncle Sam, ineligible blood donors for the rest of our
lives. They think we are all HIV positive. This ridiculous rule has been reviewed
and considered for repeal by the FDA, but so far there is still a lifetime ban
on MSM blood donation, unless your last MSM contact was prior to 1977. Hell, my first
MSM contact was barely before 1977. Well, okay, 3 years before if you must
know. Closer to 2, really. December 6,
1974 if you need to know. Del Shannon was singing “My Little Runaway” from the American Graffiti 8-track. See? It pays
to keep your old diaries.
What I am eager to see parked outside my local multiplex is
a shitmobile. Step right up, take a dump,
and your next movie’s on us! Or even better, in seedy parts of towns where
pawn shops and peep shows flourish, centers will pop up that will pay plenty for
your poop. Or maybe they’ll set up Poop Banks, where C. diff sufferers can
search online photos and bios of beautiful, successful and well-bred people
from noble stock, and select feces, say, from royal families or movie stars, Kennedys
or Kardashians. Click the Prince Andrew Feces link and the Channing Tatum Feces
link, then click your shopping cart and check out. Mix & match designer dumps.
This week’s special: free shipping with purchase of enough shit over $1200.
But I suspect MSM’s will be weeded out from being fecal
donors, too. It’s just the US government’s way of confirming their opinion that
we aren’t worth shit.
Click here to read the article and see a picture of a woman
who ate shit and lived. You might want to wait until you digest your lunch to
check this out.
billwiley.blogspot.com by Bill Wiley is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.